I felt like the author of the poem "Footprints in the Sand," who queried God:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
I knew that if He would just answer me, I could move forward with confidence in what Addie needed--I could demand the doctors to give her good nourishment instead of taking away her mother's milk; I could say no to drugs; I would know what genetic tests to order; I could wean off her seizure meds with certainty instead of self-doubt. I could just act in Knowledge of what would work instead floundering in Faith of what I hoped would work! Wouldn't that be better than me bumbling along and making so many errors in the life of this fragile gift from Heaven? Surely Heaven wants me to succeed in this most important endeavor. Why the silence?
I analyzed my life thoroughly over and over to see if I had breached my covenants in any way that would prevent me from receiving answers. I asked for understanding behind such limited, counsel sent my way. Was I too tired? Yes. Too time-constrained? Yes. Too mentally and emotionally preoccupied? Absolutely. The state of my life then and now isn't going to change any of those barriers to revelation, so I prayed in repentance for a way around them.
This month, as I worshiped in the temple, I pondered again how I could get the heavens to unlock for me to give me the revelation I seek on so many matters--not only Addie. As I performed Initiatory ordinances, I listened intently to the promises given. Suddenly, my mind and heart felt enlightened. I realized that I have been promised a mind that can decipher between options. If I'm not receiving guidance from God then He must trust me to exercise the intelligence he's already given me. He must trust that I can take care of Addie and all my other assignments. He expects me to "use my brain!" I had to laugh at that! I also felt humbled. Here the wisest Man in the universe, who could so readily give me the answers I seek, knows I will grow in wisdom if I learn to use the mind He's already blessed me with.
Put another way, Sister Sharon Eubank spoke in a Relief Society Fireside in my Stake earlier this year. She said that President Packer once said in a meeting regarding receiving revelation: "If the light is green, its always a Go." Another image that comes to mind is the way an Islander taught his kids to swim: he simply tossed them out of the boat into the ocean. If the Lord gave us instruction and counsel on everything, how would we ever learn to think, to test, to explore, to grow? We need times of silence to stretch our capacity to become as He is: able to "counsel in wisdom over all His works" (Jacob 4:10).
Beware, however, of rationalizing away His command to "counsel with the Lord in all thy doings" (Alma 37:37). He may choose to be silent for our personal growth, but we need to ever seek His counsel regardless. To do otherwise, cuts us off from Him by eroding our faith and trust, for we have been commanded "to repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:4).
Knowing that there are times the heavens are just going to be silent for our own growth, we can take confidence, after ensuring we are keeping our covenants, that God trusts us. We can move forward with faith in Him, His work, and especially in the faith He has in us. Then, we can conclude as does the final stanza of "Footprints in the Sand:"
"My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
