A Mother's Musings: When the Heavens are Silent

Through Addie's entire life (these past 16-months), I have sought counsel from the Lord as to how to proceed in her care, what resources I needed to look to, how I could advocate for her, and basically what is the best way to help her.  However, I have neither felt nor heard the Lord's counsel.

I felt like the author of the poem "Footprints in the Sand," who queried God:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

I knew that if He would just answer me, I could move forward with confidence in what Addie needed--I could demand the doctors to give her good nourishment instead of taking away her mother's milk; I could say no to drugs; I would know what genetic tests to order; I could wean off her seizure meds with certainty instead of self-doubt. I could just act in Knowledge of what would work instead floundering in Faith of what I hoped would work!  Wouldn't that be better than me bumbling along and making so many errors in the life of this fragile gift from Heaven?  Surely Heaven wants me to succeed in this most important endeavor.  Why the silence?

I analyzed my life thoroughly over and over to see if I had breached my covenants in any way that would prevent me from receiving answers.  I asked for understanding behind such limited, counsel sent my way. Was I too tired? Yes. Too time-constrained? Yes.  Too mentally and emotionally preoccupied? Absolutely. The state of my life then and now isn't going to change any of those barriers to revelation, so I prayed in repentance for a way around them.

This month, as I worshiped in the temple, I pondered again how I could get the heavens to unlock for me to give me the revelation I seek on so many matters--not only Addie.  As I performed Initiatory ordinances, I listened intently to the promises given.  Suddenly, my mind and heart felt enlightened.  I realized that I have been promised a mind that can decipher between options.  If I'm not receiving guidance from God then He must trust me to exercise the intelligence he's already given me. He must trust that I can take care of Addie and all my other assignments. He expects me to "use my brain!"   I had to laugh at that!  I also felt humbled.  Here the wisest Man in the universe, who could so readily give me the answers I seek, knows I will grow in wisdom if I learn to use the mind He's already blessed me with.

Put another way, Sister Sharon Eubank spoke in a Relief Society Fireside in my Stake earlier this year.  She said that President Packer once said in a meeting regarding receiving revelation: "If the light is green, its always a Go." Another image that comes to mind is the way an Islander taught his kids to swim: he simply tossed them out of the boat into the ocean.   If the Lord gave us instruction and counsel on everything, how would we ever learn to think, to test, to explore, to grow?  We need times of silence to stretch our capacity to become as He is: able to "counsel in wisdom over all His works" (Jacob 4:10).

Beware, however, of rationalizing away His command to "counsel with the Lord in all thy doings" (Alma 37:37). He may choose to be silent for our personal growth, but we need to ever seek His counsel regardless. To do otherwise, cuts us off from Him by eroding our faith and trust, for we have been commanded "to repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:4).  

Knowing that there are times the heavens are just going to be silent for our own growth, we can take confidence, after ensuring we are keeping our covenants, that God trusts us.  We can move forward with faith in Him, His work, and especially in the faith He has in us. Then, we can conclude as does the final stanza of "Footprints in the Sand:"

"My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

The Book of Esther: Insights into Temple Worship

In the April 2009 General Conference, Elder Bednar stated, "There is a difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple."  Since I fell into the category of the member rushing into the temple occasionally, I pondered, "What is the difference?"

Up to that time, I felt content with my hurried, monthly temple attendance.  After Elder Bednar's statement, however, I realized that my rushing into the temple, fretting about the little children I left at home, and my anxiety to get into the exact session I needed to minimize my time in the temple so I could get on with my life were hindrances to my  spiritual growth. As a second witness to the need to change my time-focused temple attendance, Elder Richard G. Scott in the same April 2009 conference counseled temple worshipers to "remove your watch when you enter a house of the Lord."  

It took an act of faith and obedience to set my watch in the car console; I remember feeling panicked about staying too long in the Celestial Room.  I can testify, though, that following this counsel has strengthened me spiritually.  As I forget time and stay focused and prayerful, slowing down the normal rush of my life, I have found greater sensitivity to spiritual teachings, a broader perspective of the temple ordinances, and a deeper personal commitment to holiness both in and out of the temple.  An unforeseen blessing came when I learned in my daily walk to rush less, to focus on one task, instead of multi-tasking every minute of every hour, and to ponder and meditate.

This overall slowing down and focusing less on the clock enabled me to learn, at least in a small degree, the difference between members who rush in and out of the temple occasionally versus those who consistently worship there.  The story of Esther illustrates what I've learned most effectively.

When King Ahasuerus of Persia sought a new queen, his officials combed the empire looking for "fair young virgins" to bring into the House of the Women.  Esther, "fair and beautiful," took her place among the women gathered at the Palace in preparation for their "days of purification."  Esther shone out among all the women gathered due to her contented, kind nature, and found favor with Hegai, keeper of the women, who advocated the best place for her in the house.

What purpose did the House of the Women play in the lives of these virgins?  Coming from the various provinces and backgrounds, these women lived very different lives than royalty.  Were some peasants? merchant's daughters? low-level gentry?  In the case of Esther, we read of her uncle Mordecai before the King's gate, implying that Esther's family lived on the outside of royal circles.  Since Mordecai instructs Esther not to reveal her ancestry, her Jewish heritage also indicates the low social status of her family in the Persian city of Shushan.  

Regardless of backgrounds, not one of these women was prepared to meet a king.  The House of the Women, then, became their educational center to prepare for their eventual private meeting with King Ahasuerus.  Not only were they bathed with water, but for 6 months oil of myrrh diminished their calluses, buffed out their rough elbows and knees, glossed their tresses, and softened their coarse skin.  The remaining 6 months left time for soaking up sweet odors to cleanse the daughters of the stench of commoners.  Meanwhile, these virgins were most likely given opportunity to learn every royal grace and palace manner.  Instructed in the customs, language, accent, history of the royal family, these maidens learned their role as women in the house of a king and were prepared in every needful way for their inevitable interview.  Every maiden was given the same opportunities to learn and the same items for purification, but their haste or conscientiousness in learning and applying these resources would eventually reveal itself before royalty and in their personal confidence before a king.

At the day of their reckoning, with veiled faces, the maidens, one by one and one-on-one met with the King.  Of all the virgins, Esther found grace, favor and love in the eyes of the king.  Chosen as queen, she received royal robes, a crown made to fit her fair head, and a place of residence in the King's mansion.  At a banquet proclaimed in her honor, Esther presided with her husband and feasted with him.  

In humility, Esther approached the King and bowed before him at least three times.  She nurtured the king and sought His will and welfare first before seeking her own interests.   The king, in turn, honored her three requests and bequeathed upon her power to conquer her enemies and to become a "savior" to them, preserving both her family and her genealogy from extinction.  Through Esther's influence and her uncle's valiance and honor in promoting the king's interests, Mordecai also entered as an invited guest into the King's palace and eventually was also endowed with power to stand next to the king in authority and might.  Seeking the welfare of his people, Mordecai taught the gospel of "peace to all of his seed."  (See the Book of Esther)

Astoundingly, this story teaches about the purpose and the power of the temple.  Like the House of the Women, the temple becomes a place of purification and learning.  There, access to the cleansing power of Christ's Atonement and the refining fire of the Holy Ghost comes to full fruition.  Like royalty of old, we are cleansed with water and anointed with oil, clothed in royal robes and brought to a place of instruction.  Here we have potential to become well-versed in the customs, manners, qualities, and graces of God's Kingdom.  If we are valiant, and not hasty, in applying these lessons in our everyday lives, we grow from grace to grace in holiness.  Through obedience to covenants, we turn from the stench and decay of fallen man, and seek, instead, the "sweet odors" of repentance.  We wash our minds of all carnality and evil, refusing to soil our hearts anymore with the degrading sins of the natural man (commoner).  We are granted power over all our enemies, blessed with the ability to save our ancestors, and through our service can bring them into the presence of a king.  The temple becomes the training ground for our eventual interview, one by one and one-on-one, with the true King.  If found worthy and virtuous, the veil separating us from Him will be lifted, an invitation to feast at the Lord's banquet will be offered, and we shall be given a place in His mansions.  Through our righteous influence and service, our influence will extend over "all our seed" and the gospel of peace will inspire generations.   

As I've lost track of time in the temple, I've learned to focus more upon the holiness lessons taught within those sacred walls.  Focus leads to greater understanding and deeper application.  Now when I leave the temple, the temple stays with me.  Promptings of the Spirit come more readily and my sensitivity to recognize them increases.  I learn to apply my "things for purification" daily, instead of randomly dabbling in them.  This more frequent, deeper immersion in "holiness treatments" from the temple may be the "difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple." (expanded from Sacrament Meeting talk on January 12, 2015)