A Mother's Musings: TEKEL

When Addie, at 18 months, weighed less than she had at 9 months, I felt sick.  As I waited for the doctor to come lecture me, I felt such a pit of dread in my stomach.  As detailed in the previous update, my mind ran through several scenarios and tried to run, hide, excuse, rationalize, or negate the scale's results.  Now, of course, my wonderful doctor did not lecture me.  She loves little Addie and she loves me.  She simply said, "We need to get this baby some calories."

As I pondered upon that experience, I thought of King Belshazzar in the book of Daniel.  While feasting with thousands of his nobles, wives, and concubines, he calls for the gold and silver vessels robbed from the Lord's temple in Jerusalem.  The guests proceed to drink wine from the sacred vessels. Suddenly, the king sees a man's hand materialize and write a message on the far wall:  MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN. The frightened king calls for all his magicians and wise men to interpret the message.  His fear increases to frenzy when they cannot do it.  Finally, his queen recommends they call the prophet Daniel.  And, of course, Daniel, interprets the writing handily.

TEKEL: "Thou art weighed in the balance and found wanting." (See Daniel 5 for the rest of the interpretation).

At her 18 month appointment, TEKEL described Addie.  And, as the responsible party, I felt a little like King Belshazzar--my knees shaking at the realization of how much TEKEL described me! 

I projected this tiny experience of stark accountability to my future.  Someday, I will stand before my maker to give accounting.  At that moment, all the stories, the rationalizations, the good intentions, the excuses, and the blame will melt away.  I will see things as they really are and know exactly what I did and did not do. Like King Belshaazr, will I have spent a lifetime feasting from the Lord's vessels only to find that I'd filled them with the frivolity of Babylon instead of the Living Water? 

At that day, I will certainly be weighed . . . by myself!  And, just like my sweet doctor, the Lord will love me regardless of my lack, or in spite of it. However, I will judge myself against His  perfect, redemptive mercy, and I , of course, will be found wanting. But . . . is there anything I can change now in order to be less "wanting"? 

Adding oil consistently to Addie's milk is such a simple step to take, but it makes a monumental difference in getting her the calories she needs to battle her seizures.  When I'm hit-n-miss with this step, its as if I never did anything at all! What is the "oil" in my life that I'm not being consistent about?  What are those small frequent activities that add up to monumental spiritual weight gain, especially as they lead to ever clearer receptivity to the Holy Ghost? 

President Russel M. Nelson answers:  "Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work."

Such simple things!  The over-arching theme in the lack of Addie's weight gain was my inconsistency.  I had such good intentions!  I'd studied how to specifically help her with epilepsy through dietary changes, but I did not apply that knowledge consistently.  Likewise, I often have such good intentions when it comes to my spiritual life.  I know what I need to do to grow, but studying and applying are quite two different things.  And so, my inconsistent half-hearted efforts will lead to minimal spiritual weight gain. 

Well--thank goodness for repentance! I'm in process of daily consistent nourishment for Miss Addie.  And. . . right away, we see progress! No more scrawny, skeletal legs for her. And yes, those little, kissable cheeks really are pinch-able now!  Results come and they come fast when I'm consistent in my spiritual nourishment as well.  I hear promptings of the Holy Ghost faster. I'm more enabled to be disciplined, and I'm increasingly edified by the things of holiness.  For now, Judgement Day is pending, but the preparation to get there begins consistently TODAY! 

  

A Mother's Musings: When the Heavens are Silent

Through Addie's entire life (these past 16-months), I have sought counsel from the Lord as to how to proceed in her care, what resources I needed to look to, how I could advocate for her, and basically what is the best way to help her.  However, I have neither felt nor heard the Lord's counsel.

I felt like the author of the poem "Footprints in the Sand," who queried God:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

I knew that if He would just answer me, I could move forward with confidence in what Addie needed--I could demand the doctors to give her good nourishment instead of taking away her mother's milk; I could say no to drugs; I would know what genetic tests to order; I could wean off her seizure meds with certainty instead of self-doubt. I could just act in Knowledge of what would work instead floundering in Faith of what I hoped would work!  Wouldn't that be better than me bumbling along and making so many errors in the life of this fragile gift from Heaven?  Surely Heaven wants me to succeed in this most important endeavor.  Why the silence?

I analyzed my life thoroughly over and over to see if I had breached my covenants in any way that would prevent me from receiving answers.  I asked for understanding behind such limited, counsel sent my way. Was I too tired? Yes. Too time-constrained? Yes.  Too mentally and emotionally preoccupied? Absolutely. The state of my life then and now isn't going to change any of those barriers to revelation, so I prayed in repentance for a way around them.

This month, as I worshiped in the temple, I pondered again how I could get the heavens to unlock for me to give me the revelation I seek on so many matters--not only Addie.  As I performed Initiatory ordinances, I listened intently to the promises given.  Suddenly, my mind and heart felt enlightened.  I realized that I have been promised a mind that can decipher between options.  If I'm not receiving guidance from God then He must trust me to exercise the intelligence he's already given me. He must trust that I can take care of Addie and all my other assignments. He expects me to "use my brain!"   I had to laugh at that!  I also felt humbled.  Here the wisest Man in the universe, who could so readily give me the answers I seek, knows I will grow in wisdom if I learn to use the mind He's already blessed me with.

Put another way, Sister Sharon Eubank spoke in a Relief Society Fireside in my Stake earlier this year.  She said that President Packer once said in a meeting regarding receiving revelation: "If the light is green, its always a Go." Another image that comes to mind is the way an Islander taught his kids to swim: he simply tossed them out of the boat into the ocean.   If the Lord gave us instruction and counsel on everything, how would we ever learn to think, to test, to explore, to grow?  We need times of silence to stretch our capacity to become as He is: able to "counsel in wisdom over all His works" (Jacob 4:10).

Beware, however, of rationalizing away His command to "counsel with the Lord in all thy doings" (Alma 37:37). He may choose to be silent for our personal growth, but we need to ever seek His counsel regardless. To do otherwise, cuts us off from Him by eroding our faith and trust, for we have been commanded "to repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:4).  

Knowing that there are times the heavens are just going to be silent for our own growth, we can take confidence, after ensuring we are keeping our covenants, that God trusts us.  We can move forward with faith in Him, His work, and especially in the faith He has in us. Then, we can conclude as does the final stanza of "Footprints in the Sand:"

"My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Addie Update: Seeing Clearly

At the end of July and after precarious weeks of withdrawal symptoms, we finally weaned Addie off of Clonazapam, a seizure med. We stopped her last dose on a Tuesday evening; by Thursday evening, her eyes centered, and she looked at us instead of through us.  Like a newborn baby learning to see, Addie delighted us with crossing eye movements indicating that she could see something there on her face—her nose! We cried; we laughed; we happy danced.

Over the month of August she has made amazing strides in her vision therapy—showing us that she can see colors and movement.  She is learning to fix and follow an item and how to operate the muscles of her eyes.  For example, we’ll place an object in her right field of vision, and she will find it and look at it. After a while, we’ll move it to her left field.  She doesn’t know where it went, but she can see something moving on the left in her periphery.  You and I would just flick our eyes over to the left to see something there. Addie doesn’t know how to do that, so instead, her eyes move up out of sight into her eyelids, roll across, and then come down to the left.  It takes a lot of work for Addie to see because her brain has yet to learn how to operate her eye muscles.  I can’t wait until she begins to see our faces!

Focus . . . focus . . . seize!

We, again, are so amazed by every little thing the human body must learn in order to function.  We’ve taken so many things for granted!  Hug a baby today!  They really go through much effort to learn how to live . . . well—just hug yourself—you’ve made much progress! ☺

Additional benefits from the wean included Addie learning how to suck a pacifier and Addie learning how to cry and have an emotional response.  On top of that, as the stress of withdrawal faded, Addie’s seizures lessened.  She got to a point of having maybe 10 seizures/day instead of 40-100!  Who knew that a stupid drug could impact her so much!  I remember asking one of the neurologists in the hospital after Addie’s seizures worsened intensely, “Do seizure meds cause seizures?” She looked and me, smiled, and as she walked away from the bed said, “They can.”  I felt baffled.  In the case of Clonazapam, it was doing a whole lot more than just exacerbating Addie’s seizures.  How many months of developmental progress have we lost to that mind-altering drug?

It is hard sometimes not to get really angry!  I have to remind myself that I only have 20/20 vision looking backward, not forward.  Doctors are not miracle workers—they are using their limited man-made knowledge to do the best they can.  They do not have the intention of harming their patients—they truly want to help.  It would be impossible for them, especially with their workload, to know every consequence of every drug they administer.  When I remind myself of this, I can get the anger to flow away into a peaceful river of acceptance instead of a torrential flood of agony.

So often, in life’s experiences, I find myself wanting to point fingers, blame, and find fault.  I trick myself into thinking that if I just find someone responsible, the problem will disappear.  What an illusion!  When I find my mind driving that direction, I know I must make a course correction by extending charity to all those I’d like to blame, including myself.  I must let go of the anger or resentment and especially the “if only . . ."(s).    I must remember that we are all here to learn together, to test and to try one another. 

Offenses will come, and each of us will be on both the giving and receiving end of those offenses.  But . . . how else would we learn the vital lessons of forgiveness if it were not so?  If we interacted with faultless people, if we ourselves never erred, how would we ever learn the beauty of forgiving or of being forgiven?

As far as blame goes, I read a proverb once that has stuck with me:  Whatever is, is God.  He, the great omniscient Father, has seen the inexplicable or seemingly blame-worthy tragedies that have or will come in each of our lives.  And still, He says, “all things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28). Not just some things, but ALL things. What a promise! There is reason, purpose, and potential behind every slammed door, missed opportunity, tragedy, trial, mistake, or deliberate offense for those who can put their trust in God. Instead of seeking to find fault or simmering in anger, what if we each instead just accept the mortal challenges that come? If we will allow God in our lives, it will all work out. And if it hasn’t worked out, then He has not yet finished His work.

3 Valentine Messages for Addie Supporters

“Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.” --Doctrine & Covenants 121:10

When I  consider Job, my mind turns to his tragic losses of  children, property, and health. He suffered loss upon loss, but what I never understood before now was how tragic it would be to have your friends “contend against thee.” In this experience with Addie, my community of support has buoyed me up and cocooned me from so much sorrow.  I have been completely carried by the prayers, fasting, and goodwill of you all.  In fact, I think one fourth of the tears I’ve shed is in overwhelming gratitude for the ministry of my friends.

“ . . .by small and simple things are great things brought to pass . . .” --Alma 37:6

I am astounded by the power of small & simple acts of love.  So often as I’ve thought to  bring an offering of love to a friend in need, I am bombarded with thoughts like these: “Oh--this is lame.” Or “This is so small--hardly worth the effort.” Or “My efforts are almost embarrassing--what can I really give?”  Or “Just go home--there is no way you can touch the grief here, and you’ll only make things worse.”  Well--it is now obvious to me that those thoughts are from the Adversary. On the receiving end of much ministry these past 5 months, I am cognizant that the tiniest things matter.  Every act of service and love is like a drop of healing in the vessel of the grieving heart.  The “size” of the effort doesn’t matter--each drop works to  soothe pain and to fill the the heart with overflowing peace.  Every prayer, every fast, every tear, every email, every hug, every smile, every visit, every meal, every gift, every toilet scrubbed or wall washed, every floor swept or vacuumed or shampooed,  every weed pulled, every donation, every sacrifice, every cookie on a plate, every play-date, every reaching out to my kids, every letter, every word of encouragement, every silence of not knowing what to say, every offer, every offering, every thought sent my way--thank you for your ministry. I feel overwhelming abundance & gratitude in the community of true believers that surround me both near & far. My only hope is that I can be as good a friend from now on as you have been to me.  Thank you from my depths!

“ O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?”

--Doctrine and Covenants 121:1,4

In the midst of trial & in much need of guidance, I felt stunned that I could not receive revelation. I asked, “Why are the heavens closed against me when I need help the most?” I wondered, “Where is God?  Why can’t I feel His presence and comfort when I’m in such need?”  “Have I offended Thee?”

In reality, my mind and heart burned with anxiety, stress, loss, grief, pain, sorrow, and sleeplessness.  It wasn’t that the heavens were closed against me, it was more that my own coping mechanisms prevented me from feeling God’s love and receiving guidance.  I had to get to a place of trust in what was happening, a place of calmness, and a place of repentance and humility before I could receive the answers for myself--that took months & months.

Meanwhile . . .heaven got through to me through you!  So often, you became the answer I sought.  You showed up at just the right time in email, text, or doorstep visit.  You said things in passing that answered my question. You didn’t even know that you were acting in behalf of heaven to get through to me.  While I sorrowed at the loss of my own access to God, I marveled that He did not stop in His attempts to reach me.  He just used you! Thank you for listening & for being His ministering angels.

Addie Update: Indignation & Prayers Please

Good morning Family & Friends--

Little Addie is in the hospital once more.  Her need for oxygen superseded the home equipment’s capability to help her, so we took her to the Pediatrian on Thursday. After 5 minutes, she said, “Take her down to the ER. You’re going to Primary’s.”

While they thought she had RSV, the tests came negative for both viral & bacterial infections.  However, the x-ray looks like she breathed some milk into her lungs.  So--at this point, she has no infection (viral or bacterial), but her diagnosis is Aspiration Pneumonia.  

Will you please pray for her little lungs?  She needs to either cough or absorb that bit of fluid in there in order to expand her lungs to their full strength and get her O2 needs back to a normal home range.  

Meanwhile, here’s some political drama we faced at the hospital.  We informed the medical team that we are using CBD oil to control seizures when asked what medications she’s on. We were told we could not use it for her at the hospital. We insisted that this is the only thing that is helping Addie’s seizures, that we are trying to get to a therapeutic dose, and that we will continue to use it. Without it, it will be difficult to get her out of the hospital as much of the lung stress we see with her is in relation to cough seizures which keep her from oxygenating well.   We were firmly told that if we continued to use it, we would be kicked out of the hospital . . . Addie would stay--parents banned!  NIGHTMARE!!!!  INDIGNATION!!!

Additionally, there is NO other hospital in UTAH that will take children.  Every child HAS to be treated at Primary’s.  We could not take Addie anywhere else & be able to use her CBD. To be threatened like that when you are trying to help and advocate for your child is so emotional and so wrong. This direction came from the very top--the lawyers, CMO, etc.  Our doctor bravely sided with us against the hospital administration, and told us to keep pushing.  We produced our paperwork that legally allows us to use CBD oil in the State of Utah.  You only get this paperwork if the doctors at Primary Children sign off on it!???!!!  He took a copy back to the leadership of the hospital and we waited.  Before 5 pm, our good doctor came back with a message that we can use it, but that we needed to be silent about it (so now I’m shouting it out to you! :-).  Because of  the paperwork, they could not legally stop us.

God is gracious and good!  Here’s why: A month ago, I utterly refused to file the paperwork for my hemp certificate.  I felt angry that I had to pay a bureaucratic fee  and jump through all these red-tape hoops to help my child. I thought, “I just won’t speak about it, and no one will know.” An article from the Desert News said that ⅔ of patients qualifying for medical marijuana do NOT comply with the paperwork requirements but use the oil anyway.  Parents I spoke with also said, “Don’t worry about it.  They can’t enforce it.”  Despite my entrenchment, the Spirit kept striving with me.  I felt prompted three times to file the paperwork.  I kept arguing with the Lord why it wasn’t necessary, trying to rationalize away the promptings and getting him to see my point of view.  After working with me for 10 days, I knew I could not go against the strong promptings and remain in good standing with Heavenly Father.  So, I gritted my teeth, wrote out the check, and sent in my application.  As soon as the check went in the mail, a huge weight of fear lifted from my shoulders.  I did not realize how burdened I felt regarding CBD oil.  I recognized in hindsight that I had been  under attack by the Adversary.  All those chattering voices in my head ceased.  My mind and heart cleared.  I could lift up my head and boldly share my experiences about medical marijuana with others.  No more fear energy.  I immediately felt grateful for the promptings and for the Holy Ghost’s continued efforts to break through my stubborness.

“Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of temptation . . .” --D&C 95:1

I was chastened by the Lord in my temptation/sin to not comply with the law. I thought I just needed to submit to the crazy law to be an honest, good citizen of my state and of the kingdom of God, but He saw a lot more than I did.  The paperwork became indispensable to me in enabling me to help and stay with Addie.  I just have to shout out there: if you receive a prompting--FOLLOW IT. The God who sees all things truly will ​​provide deliverance.  Additionally, He will “go before your face . . . will be on your right hand and on your left, and  . . . shall be in your hearts, and [His] angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). I have felt that this week.

Humbled once again to my core--

Desi

The Book of Esther: Insights into Temple Worship

In the April 2009 General Conference, Elder Bednar stated, "There is a difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple."  Since I fell into the category of the member rushing into the temple occasionally, I pondered, "What is the difference?"

Up to that time, I felt content with my hurried, monthly temple attendance.  After Elder Bednar's statement, however, I realized that my rushing into the temple, fretting about the little children I left at home, and my anxiety to get into the exact session I needed to minimize my time in the temple so I could get on with my life were hindrances to my  spiritual growth. As a second witness to the need to change my time-focused temple attendance, Elder Richard G. Scott in the same April 2009 conference counseled temple worshipers to "remove your watch when you enter a house of the Lord."  

It took an act of faith and obedience to set my watch in the car console; I remember feeling panicked about staying too long in the Celestial Room.  I can testify, though, that following this counsel has strengthened me spiritually.  As I forget time and stay focused and prayerful, slowing down the normal rush of my life, I have found greater sensitivity to spiritual teachings, a broader perspective of the temple ordinances, and a deeper personal commitment to holiness both in and out of the temple.  An unforeseen blessing came when I learned in my daily walk to rush less, to focus on one task, instead of multi-tasking every minute of every hour, and to ponder and meditate.

This overall slowing down and focusing less on the clock enabled me to learn, at least in a small degree, the difference between members who rush in and out of the temple occasionally versus those who consistently worship there.  The story of Esther illustrates what I've learned most effectively.

When King Ahasuerus of Persia sought a new queen, his officials combed the empire looking for "fair young virgins" to bring into the House of the Women.  Esther, "fair and beautiful," took her place among the women gathered at the Palace in preparation for their "days of purification."  Esther shone out among all the women gathered due to her contented, kind nature, and found favor with Hegai, keeper of the women, who advocated the best place for her in the house.

What purpose did the House of the Women play in the lives of these virgins?  Coming from the various provinces and backgrounds, these women lived very different lives than royalty.  Were some peasants? merchant's daughters? low-level gentry?  In the case of Esther, we read of her uncle Mordecai before the King's gate, implying that Esther's family lived on the outside of royal circles.  Since Mordecai instructs Esther not to reveal her ancestry, her Jewish heritage also indicates the low social status of her family in the Persian city of Shushan.  

Regardless of backgrounds, not one of these women was prepared to meet a king.  The House of the Women, then, became their educational center to prepare for their eventual private meeting with King Ahasuerus.  Not only were they bathed with water, but for 6 months oil of myrrh diminished their calluses, buffed out their rough elbows and knees, glossed their tresses, and softened their coarse skin.  The remaining 6 months left time for soaking up sweet odors to cleanse the daughters of the stench of commoners.  Meanwhile, these virgins were most likely given opportunity to learn every royal grace and palace manner.  Instructed in the customs, language, accent, history of the royal family, these maidens learned their role as women in the house of a king and were prepared in every needful way for their inevitable interview.  Every maiden was given the same opportunities to learn and the same items for purification, but their haste or conscientiousness in learning and applying these resources would eventually reveal itself before royalty and in their personal confidence before a king.

At the day of their reckoning, with veiled faces, the maidens, one by one and one-on-one met with the King.  Of all the virgins, Esther found grace, favor and love in the eyes of the king.  Chosen as queen, she received royal robes, a crown made to fit her fair head, and a place of residence in the King's mansion.  At a banquet proclaimed in her honor, Esther presided with her husband and feasted with him.  

In humility, Esther approached the King and bowed before him at least three times.  She nurtured the king and sought His will and welfare first before seeking her own interests.   The king, in turn, honored her three requests and bequeathed upon her power to conquer her enemies and to become a "savior" to them, preserving both her family and her genealogy from extinction.  Through Esther's influence and her uncle's valiance and honor in promoting the king's interests, Mordecai also entered as an invited guest into the King's palace and eventually was also endowed with power to stand next to the king in authority and might.  Seeking the welfare of his people, Mordecai taught the gospel of "peace to all of his seed."  (See the Book of Esther)

Astoundingly, this story teaches about the purpose and the power of the temple.  Like the House of the Women, the temple becomes a place of purification and learning.  There, access to the cleansing power of Christ's Atonement and the refining fire of the Holy Ghost comes to full fruition.  Like royalty of old, we are cleansed with water and anointed with oil, clothed in royal robes and brought to a place of instruction.  Here we have potential to become well-versed in the customs, manners, qualities, and graces of God's Kingdom.  If we are valiant, and not hasty, in applying these lessons in our everyday lives, we grow from grace to grace in holiness.  Through obedience to covenants, we turn from the stench and decay of fallen man, and seek, instead, the "sweet odors" of repentance.  We wash our minds of all carnality and evil, refusing to soil our hearts anymore with the degrading sins of the natural man (commoner).  We are granted power over all our enemies, blessed with the ability to save our ancestors, and through our service can bring them into the presence of a king.  The temple becomes the training ground for our eventual interview, one by one and one-on-one, with the true King.  If found worthy and virtuous, the veil separating us from Him will be lifted, an invitation to feast at the Lord's banquet will be offered, and we shall be given a place in His mansions.  Through our righteous influence and service, our influence will extend over "all our seed" and the gospel of peace will inspire generations.   

As I've lost track of time in the temple, I've learned to focus more upon the holiness lessons taught within those sacred walls.  Focus leads to greater understanding and deeper application.  Now when I leave the temple, the temple stays with me.  Promptings of the Spirit come more readily and my sensitivity to recognize them increases.  I learn to apply my "things for purification" daily, instead of randomly dabbling in them.  This more frequent, deeper immersion in "holiness treatments" from the temple may be the "difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple." (expanded from Sacrament Meeting talk on January 12, 2015)