FULL CIRCLE

About 5 years ago, I started the blog to do something about abortion.  As I read the scriptures and attended the temple, I came to realize that as women, if we do not mother all life on this planet, who will?  Thus, themotherofallliving.blogspot.com was born to promote life. In the busyness of motherhood, I only posted a few things initially.  Then Addie came along, and this blog became a way to update others on her progress & her precious, valued life.  She has taught me so many things.  One of her lessons is below and it makes this blog come full circle for me. Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

Find this entire article with its sources and documentation at this link:

FULL CIRCLE

I often recall reading Shirley Jackson’s haunting short story “The Lottery” in junior high. A normal village routinely comes to the town square for the annual lottery.  After the officiator reads the rules, each household head draws a paper from the lotto box. One person draws a black dot. Tickets for every member of his household are then returned to the box. The family member who draws the black dot then walks to the center of the town square to be stoned by their remaining family members and townspeople. Though there’s talk of abandoning the lottery in other villages, the elders of the town emphasize that those villages are a ‘“pack of crazy fools; listening to the young folks, nothing’s good enough for them. Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting to go back to living in caves . . ..“‘

And so the village persists in a horrifying tradition year after year, decade after decade, century after century, in order to have a  “bountiful harvest” in their town. Stories like this have always caused me great pause: are there any traditions we hold to that are never questioned but that cause great harm to some in order to preserve others?

I’ve often prayed to God to show me what false traditions I linger under. The answers have come in startling, awakening ways.  One such experience came when Addie lived in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for four months. After a few weeks in the highest level of care, the nurse asked permission to give Addie her immunizations.  If my daughter had not been lingering between life and death, I wouldn’t have thought anything about it and would have consented.  But there, in that room of monitors and beeping machines, of 24-hour nursing care, of a respirator breathing for her, of tubes and cords running all over her little body, her bed, and her floor, I zoomed out and took a broader look at something I’d never seen before. Why, I wondered, are they even asking if I’d like to immunize her when we don’t even know what is wrong with her and whether or not she will live?  

I decided then and there that I needed to do some research.  My basic question was, “Should we be giving immunizations to sick, seizing, premature infants? The next day, I went to the library and picked up books for and against childhood immunizations. Then, as I sat at the hospital pumping out milk for the donor bank (they wouldn’t let Addie have my milk), I read the opposing arguments. Very quickly, I came across a term in the ingredient list called “human diploid cells.” What on the earth are “human diploid cells?” I wondered.  And that’s when I went down a rabbit hole.

In a nutshell, human diploid cells started from aborted fetuses in the 1960s. If you do research on human diploid cell lines on the internet, you will find the following quote or derivative of it: 

“In total only two fetuses, both obtained from abortions done by maternal choice, have given rise to the human cell strains used in vaccine development. Neither abortion was performed for the purpose of vaccine development.”

I can tell you that this is a lie intending to deceive and assuage the public! The likelihood of scientists getting their experiments to work on two fetuses only would be highly random.

I did not believe this statement, and so I dug deeper.

One-hundred and six aborted babies later . . . and counting . . . .

You don’t have to take my word for it. Here are some of the quotes from the scientists

themselves working on developing vaccines from fetuses screened, aborted, and utilized

specifically for that purpose (see the entire expose on this subject, which is my main source

for this information at https://cogforlife.org/vaccines-abortions/ and the citations for the

following quotes here: FULL CIRCLE ).

“The isolation and characterization of human diploid cell strains from fetal tissue make this type of cell available as a substrate for the production of live virus vaccines. Other than the economic advantages, such strains . . . make the consideration of their use in the production of human virus vaccines a distinct possibility.”

“This fetus was chosen by Dr. Sven Gard, specifically for this purpose. Both parents are known, and unfortunately for the story, they are married to each other, still alive and well, and living in Stockholm, presumably. The abortion was done because they felt they had too many children. There were no familial diseases in the history of either parent, and no history of cancer specifically in the families.”

“One of my duties as a young student in the laboratory in Stockholm was to dissect human fetuses from legal abortions and send organs to the Wistar Institute. Such material was the source of many important studies of cell lines at the Institute, such as Leonard Hayflick’s study of WI-38 cells.” 

“Explant cultures were made of the dissected organs of a particular fetus aborted because of rubella, the 27th in our series of fetuses aborted. This fetus was from a 25-year-old mother exposed to rubella 8 days after her last menstrual period. 16 days later she developed rubella. The fetus was surgically aborted 17 days after maternal illness and dissected immediately. Explants from several organs were cultured and successful cell growth was achieved from lung, skin, and kidney. It was then grown on WI-38. The new vaccine was tested on orphans in Philadelphia.”

Did you catch that? Let me expound. Mothers in Philadelphia, who had been exposed to Rubella,

were convinced by their medical providers, in collaboration with the Wistar Institute, to abort their

babies to avoid potential complications. It took 27 abortive deaths of babies before one of the fetuses

was found to be infected with the Rubella virus. Forty additional babies were aborted following

the finding of the live virus on baby number 27. In total, 80 babies were aborted to produce

the Rubella vaccine, including those made to create the WI-38 cell strain.

Hmn . . . 80 is way more than 2!  And don’t neglect the last statement in that quote above!

Children, with no parents/guardians to speak for them, were used as test subjects for the

new vaccine.  That’s an entire other rabbit hole that is an outrage of human decency, human rights, and human dignity!

The WI-38 cell line has now expired, according Dr. Stanley Plotkin, a scientist, author, and

vaccine development expert. These cell lines are not replicable forever.  Therefore, other companies

and institutions get financial backing to create new fetal  cell lines for the manufacturing of vaccines. Basically,

this is now a  competitive market. I’m sorry to add to the horror.  In order to acquire living tissue,

the babies are aborted alive and their organs are procured without anesthesia. The callousness

of the researchers makes my blood run cold. See for yourself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN7FQCkiBp8

Are there other vaccines that utilize aborted fetal cell strains? Yes--nearly all of them.

However, some have ethical alternative brands thanks to the advocacy of Children of God for Life,

an organization bringing awareness to this vital issue. The ones for which there is no alternative

include the following diseases: MMR, Chickenpox, Acute Respiratory Disease.

The 2020 flu shot does not contain aborted fetal cell lines, but flu shots in the past have.

Some of the developing COVID-19 shots also include aborted fetal cell lines and some do not.

As the race to produce a vaccine comes to the finish line, you will have to read the label to

determine if the winner uses aborted fetal tissue.

You can also keep updated at  https://cogforlife.org/vaccine-overview/ .

I return to my original question: are there any traditions we hold to that are never questioned

but that cause great harm to some in order to preserve others? Is it right to sacrifice the life

of even just two precious children (if it were only two), let alone hundreds of babies to promote

the health of our society?  Is this medicine that would find approval in God’s eyes?  

What can be done?  Vote with your feet! Demand ethical vaccines. Join Children of God for Life,

follow and support their work. Educate yourself.  Share what you’ve learned with others.

I wish so much that I had done my research before I ever allowed my children’s arms

to be punctured and injected with immorally produced immunizations. My ignorance

has weighed upon me heavily. I thank God for opening my eyes to false traditions.  Now

that I am aware of the stone in my hand, I set it down.  I walk out of the Lottery, and I take my

family with me.  Better to live outside of the village, then to throw that stone one more time at

a fellow villager. Thank you for awakening me, Miss Addie!

A Mother's Musings: Seeking Thy Pavilion

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

 

Stunning. That's what this silence has been. I've gone the rounds in my mind trying to seek the cause of what feels like being...

CUT-OFF.

When I try to emolliate my anguish and confusion, I try, “Well—maybe the heavens are silent because they’ve given me Addie.” Its true--her powerful spirit radiates through our entire home and does so much to calm and soothe me and anyone in her presence.  Still—she is not Father. And try as I might, nothing compensates for the loss of God.

NOTHING.

I've pondered the scriptures, and I've found too many instances of others feeling this abandonment to bode well for me.  For Adam and Eve, the record states, "and after many days" they received instruction (see Moses 5:6). For the apostles of Christ battling contrary winds on a violent sea, the Redeemer came in the fourth watch of the night, after observing their struggles from the shore for some time (see Mark 6:48).  Job's wife lost patience waiting for assurance from a loving Father. She expressed her hopelessness, "Curse God and die" (see Job 2:9).  Who can forget the discouraged plea of the Prophet Joseph Smith as he cried out from his comfortless prison, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1). Lastly, the words of our dear Savior, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34), ring through the ages reminding all of us that sometimes seeming abandonment comes at the most inexplicable of times.

Well--I'm certainly no prophet, nor am I any scriptural hero, but the Lord is "the same yesterday, today, and forever" (1 Nephi 10:18). Therefore, is it unlikely that His dealings with me would be any different than His dealings with those who are prophets and scriptural heroes?  The question, then, becomes not, "Why are you abandoning me when I need you most?” but "What do you want me to learn from your silence?"

This fall, I finished milking the cows, a quiet time in my day when I can sit and ponder.  I continued my meditation upon God's stark silence and the attendant discouragement as I walked from the barn towards the house.  I paused when I felt the tiniest whisper brush my soul.  Nearly imperceivable, it was as if the messenger was under strict command to not to break the silence, but conflicted, just mouthed the words. Had I reached my busy, bustling house, I would have missed that faint message.  Likewise, in the distracting barn of buzzing, biting flies and swishing, whippy cow tails, I would never have heard that subtle impression. Right there, though, in that passageway between barnyard and home-yard, all nature stilled enough for me to feel that cobweb tug of my soul: "Desi, what did you pray for?"

In only the way the Holy Ghost can teach, my mind expanded to many a time before Addie came when I prayed for faith--powerful faith as described in Jacob 4:6:

                 "And having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea." 

How can faith grow if it is not tested?

In my youth, my parents separated and eventually divorced. The pain of those years felt crushing.  One night in a moment of weeping and praying, I felt someone come up behind me and put their arm around me. Powerful assurance that God knew what I was suffering, that He cared beyond measure, and that He sent angels to comfort and calm my troubled heart-storms, reverberated from that moment in all the storms that followed. Faith came easy; after all--God would be there to "wipe away all tears" (Revelations 21;4).

How can faith grow if it is not challenged?

Untested, unchallenged, faith remains stagnant.  As an active, living virtue, faith and stagnation cannot coincide.  Think of a seedling.  It takes much effort to come alive in the dark soil and push up into the light.  If, at that point, the seedling stagnates, it dies.  It’s tiny stem and cotyledon leaves will never be strong enough for it to survive the lashing spring winds or the burning summer sun. The seedling must continue to push roots deep into the soil to bring up nourishment that will thicken its dermal tissue to lock in water for parched days, to create sturdy, yet malleable, height and strength to withstand high winds and to push out a foliar canopy to shade against brilliant sunshine and smother weedy thieves. And ironically, plants must be parched from above to put down deep roots below in search of that nourishment that will strengthen them for their entire life cycle.

One year, our corn fell flat to the ground when a summer storm burst upon it. Our good intentions of giving it an abundance of water in hopes of growing large kernels totally backfired on us. The irrigating water created shallow-rooted stalks that could not withstand the angry winds of that one summer storm. We lost the entire crop. After that, we learned to let the youthful plants suffer a bit. We stressed them just enough to get their roots to anchor into the soil. Deep and strong nets of roots now keep all our stalks upright, despite fierce gales and pounding hail. Those strong roots keep the plant continually upright, reaching for the sun, even when that sun is hiding behind dark clouds.

The Creator knows a thing or two about gardening. How my little corn plants must cry out to me, “Gardener—give me water.  Let me know you’re there. I’m parched; I feel abandoned. Are you leaving me to wither away?” Likewise, I’ve cried out, “Creator—give me Living Water. I’m parched; I feel abandoned. Are you leaving me to wither away?” With perfect observation, I water my six-inch corn leaves at just the right time. With perfect precision, I must trust that the Creator will dispense Living Water upon me when my roots are anchored deeper and stronger in the soil of faith.

I realize now, it was naïve of me to think that the experiences and faith I grew as a youth would sustain me throughout my entire life. That would be comparable to thinking your 3rd-grade multiplication facts are all you need to know to pass the ACT in 11th-grade. God must work our faith—test it, challenge it—see if it is ready for more power.  In that gateway, I learned that this silence is just one of many plateaus to cross in my quest to ascend a mountain of faith. 

Thus, as Robert Frost would say, “Two roads diverged in a wood” (Frost, 1916). I’m looking down each one as far as I can see.  One path leads uphill.  If I take it, I put my hope into action. I continue to trust that, though lost, confused and abandoned, God is still aware, still cares, and will still comfort me at some point.  He hasn't forgotten me, but He does need me to learn how to stand upright and reach for the Son, regardless of the clouds behind which He is hiding. . . there is purpose behind the silence.  The other road is downhill. It leads to cynicism, doubt, anger, and apostasy. In it, I rail, shaking my fist at heaven, "You said you would be there for me! You're not! I can't trust you! You are nothing more than a fable!" I turn from God and decide, "If you're not going to help me, I'll help myself!"

So-which path do I choose?  “I [take] the one least traveled by.” I’ve come to realize that God will not reveal to me the pavilion covering His hiding place. But—that doesn’t mean I cannot seek it!  So, I’m putting my feet on the uphill path—the quest that seeks the Living God.  Though there is immense silence, I will believe that He is there, that He knows what I’m going through, and that He will still send angels to comfort and guide me.  I’m seeking His pavilion in every sunset, in the service rendered by so many godly friends and neighbors, in the revitalizing truths of scripture, in the holiness of sacred temple space, and in the walks from the barnyard to the home-yard where tiny tugs query, “What did you pray for?” I’m seeking until I can say face to face: I see it—

THY PAVILION.

Thank you for your perfect tutelage, especially and even amidst eloquent, tutoring, stunning . . .

SILENCE.

References

Frost, R. (1916). The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. [online] Poetry Foundation. Available at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken [Accessed 7 Feb. 2020].

A Mother's Musings: TEKEL

When Addie, at 18 months, weighed less than she had at 9 months, I felt sick.  As I waited for the doctor to come lecture me, I felt such a pit of dread in my stomach.  As detailed in the previous update, my mind ran through several scenarios and tried to run, hide, excuse, rationalize, or negate the scale's results.  Now, of course, my wonderful doctor did not lecture me.  She loves little Addie and she loves me.  She simply said, "We need to get this baby some calories."

As I pondered upon that experience, I thought of King Belshazzar in the book of Daniel.  While feasting with thousands of his nobles, wives, and concubines, he calls for the gold and silver vessels robbed from the Lord's temple in Jerusalem.  The guests proceed to drink wine from the sacred vessels. Suddenly, the king sees a man's hand materialize and write a message on the far wall:  MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN. The frightened king calls for all his magicians and wise men to interpret the message.  His fear increases to frenzy when they cannot do it.  Finally, his queen recommends they call the prophet Daniel.  And, of course, Daniel, interprets the writing handily.

TEKEL: "Thou art weighed in the balance and found wanting." (See Daniel 5 for the rest of the interpretation).

At her 18 month appointment, TEKEL described Addie.  And, as the responsible party, I felt a little like King Belshazzar--my knees shaking at the realization of how much TEKEL described me! 

I projected this tiny experience of stark accountability to my future.  Someday, I will stand before my maker to give accounting.  At that moment, all the stories, the rationalizations, the good intentions, the excuses, and the blame will melt away.  I will see things as they really are and know exactly what I did and did not do. Like King Belshaazr, will I have spent a lifetime feasting from the Lord's vessels only to find that I'd filled them with the frivolity of Babylon instead of the Living Water? 

At that day, I will certainly be weighed . . . by myself!  And, just like my sweet doctor, the Lord will love me regardless of my lack, or in spite of it. However, I will judge myself against His  perfect, redemptive mercy, and I , of course, will be found wanting. But . . . is there anything I can change now in order to be less "wanting"? 

Adding oil consistently to Addie's milk is such a simple step to take, but it makes a monumental difference in getting her the calories she needs to battle her seizures.  When I'm hit-n-miss with this step, its as if I never did anything at all! What is the "oil" in my life that I'm not being consistent about?  What are those small frequent activities that add up to monumental spiritual weight gain, especially as they lead to ever clearer receptivity to the Holy Ghost? 

President Russel M. Nelson answers:  "Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work."

Such simple things!  The over-arching theme in the lack of Addie's weight gain was my inconsistency.  I had such good intentions!  I'd studied how to specifically help her with epilepsy through dietary changes, but I did not apply that knowledge consistently.  Likewise, I often have such good intentions when it comes to my spiritual life.  I know what I need to do to grow, but studying and applying are quite two different things.  And so, my inconsistent half-hearted efforts will lead to minimal spiritual weight gain. 

Well--thank goodness for repentance! I'm in process of daily consistent nourishment for Miss Addie.  And. . . right away, we see progress! No more scrawny, skeletal legs for her. And yes, those little, kissable cheeks really are pinch-able now!  Results come and they come fast when I'm consistent in my spiritual nourishment as well.  I hear promptings of the Holy Ghost faster. I'm more enabled to be disciplined, and I'm increasingly edified by the things of holiness.  For now, Judgement Day is pending, but the preparation to get there begins consistently TODAY! 

  

A Mother's Musings: Awake and Arise!

"And, while I never spoke publicly regarding this issue, I’m publicly apologizing.  I’m sorry that I never even considered the opposing side to the argument,  and I’m sorry for my ignorance and callousness to the intense suffering of  so many parents as they stood helpless over their seizing children . . . . Finally, I’m committing to never speak on any issue again until I’ve heard both sides and actually researched it!"   

"Learn to see clearly," Addie encourages!

This I wrote in my post from January 29, 2018 titled "Humble Pie--munch,munch" regarding medical marijuana. Committed to following through on that statement, I have taken about a year to look into both sides of another controversial issue: Vaccinations.

Addie makes me confront things that I slept through during my watch over my older children. If you've ever over-ridden your mother-instinct, you know the pain of regret. In hopes that you will have confidence to follow your instinct, I offer the following resources. I plead with you to research BOTH sides of the vaccination issue and become an educated citizen. This issue matters to everyone--old, young, healthy, ill, taxpayer, citizen.

Ephesians 5:14-17: Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.  See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.  Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

I researched four books from the library, internet sites, lectures, and documentaries from differing viewpoints to study this issue.  Knowing that not everyone has the will or time to read,  here are some of the best resources I've found that will assist you:

Vaccines Revealed
https://www.vaccinesrevealed.com/
A free 9 episode docu-series interviewing professionals from law, environmental, medicine, statistics, science, etc. on vaccinations.  This series is the MOST comprehensive, informative, easily accessed education I've come across.  Every episode increased my learning.  A MUST watch!  Robert F. Kennedy's interview in Episode 3 is critical!

Center for Disease Control
https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/index.html

The government website where you'll find great information on the diseases vaccinations intend to prevent, symptoms, risks of diseases, etc.

National Vaccine Information Center
https://www.nvic.org/Ask-Eight-Questions.aspx
https://www.nvic.org/vaccines-and-diseases/Measles.aspx

This site tracks vaccine injury, statistics, and teaches you what you need to know to make an informed choice. Here's a sampling regarding Measles:

In 1960, three years before the first measles vaccine was put on the market in the U.S., there were about 442,000 reported measles cases and 380 related deaths, 8 9 among the 3.5 to 5 million Americans who were likely infected with measles. 10 11 Today, deaths from measles are rare in the U.S. with the last reported measles related death occurring in 2015.12

• As of November 30, 2018, there have been more than 92,844 reports of measles vaccine reactions, hospitalizations, injuries and deaths following measles vaccinations made to the federal Vaccine Adverse Events Reporting System (VAERS), including 457 related deaths, 6,902 hospitalizations, and 1,736 related disabilities. Over 50% of those adverse events occurred in children three years old and under.
• As of January 2, 2019, there had been 1,258 claims filed in the federal Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (VICP) for injuries and deaths following MMR vaccination, including 82 deaths and 1,176 serious injuries

Cochrane Library (great resource for reviews of available research outside of industry bias)

https://www.cochrane.org/about-us

https://www.cochrane.org/evidence

A Mother's Musings: When the Heavens are Silent

Through Addie's entire life (these past 16-months), I have sought counsel from the Lord as to how to proceed in her care, what resources I needed to look to, how I could advocate for her, and basically what is the best way to help her.  However, I have neither felt nor heard the Lord's counsel.

I felt like the author of the poem "Footprints in the Sand," who queried God:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

I knew that if He would just answer me, I could move forward with confidence in what Addie needed--I could demand the doctors to give her good nourishment instead of taking away her mother's milk; I could say no to drugs; I would know what genetic tests to order; I could wean off her seizure meds with certainty instead of self-doubt. I could just act in Knowledge of what would work instead floundering in Faith of what I hoped would work!  Wouldn't that be better than me bumbling along and making so many errors in the life of this fragile gift from Heaven?  Surely Heaven wants me to succeed in this most important endeavor.  Why the silence?

I analyzed my life thoroughly over and over to see if I had breached my covenants in any way that would prevent me from receiving answers.  I asked for understanding behind such limited, counsel sent my way. Was I too tired? Yes. Too time-constrained? Yes.  Too mentally and emotionally preoccupied? Absolutely. The state of my life then and now isn't going to change any of those barriers to revelation, so I prayed in repentance for a way around them.

This month, as I worshiped in the temple, I pondered again how I could get the heavens to unlock for me to give me the revelation I seek on so many matters--not only Addie.  As I performed Initiatory ordinances, I listened intently to the promises given.  Suddenly, my mind and heart felt enlightened.  I realized that I have been promised a mind that can decipher between options.  If I'm not receiving guidance from God then He must trust me to exercise the intelligence he's already given me. He must trust that I can take care of Addie and all my other assignments. He expects me to "use my brain!"   I had to laugh at that!  I also felt humbled.  Here the wisest Man in the universe, who could so readily give me the answers I seek, knows I will grow in wisdom if I learn to use the mind He's already blessed me with.

Put another way, Sister Sharon Eubank spoke in a Relief Society Fireside in my Stake earlier this year.  She said that President Packer once said in a meeting regarding receiving revelation: "If the light is green, its always a Go." Another image that comes to mind is the way an Islander taught his kids to swim: he simply tossed them out of the boat into the ocean.   If the Lord gave us instruction and counsel on everything, how would we ever learn to think, to test, to explore, to grow?  We need times of silence to stretch our capacity to become as He is: able to "counsel in wisdom over all His works" (Jacob 4:10).

Beware, however, of rationalizing away His command to "counsel with the Lord in all thy doings" (Alma 37:37). He may choose to be silent for our personal growth, but we need to ever seek His counsel regardless. To do otherwise, cuts us off from Him by eroding our faith and trust, for we have been commanded "to repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:4).  

Knowing that there are times the heavens are just going to be silent for our own growth, we can take confidence, after ensuring we are keeping our covenants, that God trusts us.  We can move forward with faith in Him, His work, and especially in the faith He has in us. Then, we can conclude as does the final stanza of "Footprints in the Sand:"

"My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

A Mother's Musings: Living with Addie is like . . .

• sleeping next to a Richter 1 earthquake
• loving and living with an angel
• holding a fish out of water
• seeing every moment and every movement as a miracle
• when your dog gets hit by a car and confused, he looks up at you with dark sorrowful eyes pleading for help as his body shakes and convulses
• being perpetually in the newborn stage 
• getting quarantined
• an emotional roller coaster--thrilling heights and horrible stomach knots as you balance precariously at the top of the hill prior toward spiraling down to valley lows
• learning to be a home and hospice nurse
• watching others eat when you're starving
• delighting in the smallest developmental movement
• being under house-arrest
• playing the game "I love you but I just can't smile" everyday and losing to Addie every time
• never fully asleep and never fully awake
• bursting with love
• a wound that never heals
• taking one day at a time
• ever stepping into the dark awaiting the light that will come
• becoming a massage/physical/occupational/vision/communication therapist
• a long-lasting longing
• playing with a doll
• holding onto hope 

•  living in the moment joyfully
• questioning yourself and doubting yourself daily, "Am I doing the right thing for her?"
• never planning ahead
• living in constant awe of babies/children--how they smile, coo, eat, cry, crawl, walk, lift their neck, arms, roll . . . all by themselves
• playing with a tamagotchi toy--where the pet leaves the screen and you're not sure where it went or when it will return
• trying to dress a barbie-like doll from the dollar star--the knees and elbows don't flex/bend and you must really stretch and nearly tear the clothes to get them on or off
• intense gratitude for the gift of Addie

A Mother's Musings: When the Heavens Weep

Okay--I admit it: I cry everyday.  How could you not? When you watch your baby seize over and
over, it hurts. It hurts because you are helpless to stop it. It hurts because you see the confusion in
her eyes as they plead, “What’s happening to me?  Make it stop.” But more than anything, it hurts
because I see this beautiful child before me--so perfect in proportion with her wild, naturally frosted
hair, her petite nose, her beautiful pink lips, her tiny fingers and toes, her little legs and arms, her sweet
feet and clenched fists, her smooth skin, her slender shoulders and neck, that beating heart, and of
course those gorgeous deep-set eyes.

How, I ask, can such a beautiful little girl be so crippled and delayed in her development by this terrible
disease? I guess I think the seizing would make more sense if she at least looked deformed.  But when
she is so perfectly beautiful and yet the seizures roll across her body, draining and maiming her, a
heart-wrenching paradox and illusion fills my thoughts. The mirage of potential surrounds my sweet
Addie; yet the drought of her epileptic reality desiccates it.  Thus, in the great Sahara of my mind,
the only raindrops present fall from my eyes.

Do the heavens weep for us? How could they not? I imagine our Heavenly parents look down upon us
in much the way I look down upon my Addie.  Our heavenly family knows very well our eternal beauty,
our potential, and our pre-mortal power. To watch us shake, convulse, faint, stall, or blank out as we face
mortal challenges is akin to spiritual epilepsy. I’m sure they sorrow for us as they watch us seize in our
mortal journey and especially as we cry out, “What’s happening to me?  Make it stop.”

Blessedly, our Heavenly parents know (and we could know if we acknowledged it) the the cause
behind our spiritual epilepsy.

Have you ever been . . .

seized by fear?

seized by lack of confidence?

seized by pride?

seized by anger?

seized by ignorance?

seized by envy?

seized by apathy?

seized by enmity?

seized by darkness?

seized by addiction?

The hopeful thing about spiritual epilepsy is that it is not incurable. The Savior of the world
walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and hung upon Calvary’s cross, willingly taking upon Himself
our spiritual seizures. They pressed upon Him and in His own words:

 “ . . . caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to
bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not  drink the
bitter cup, and shrink—Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my
preparations unto the children of men” (my emphasis added) (Doctrine & Covenants 19:18-19).

He convulsed and contracted and bled for us that we might be cured.  How do we find access to

this cure? Jesus Christ answered that as well:

“Wherefore, I command you to repent, and keep the commandments . . . .  Therefore I
command you to repent—repent, lest . . . your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not,
how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God, have
suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I . . . .Wherefore, I command you
again to repent, lest I humble you with my almighty power; and that you confess your sins,
lest you suffer these punishments of which I have spoken, of which in the smallest, yea, even
in the least degree you have tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit”
(Doctrine & Covenants 19:15, 16, 17, 20).

Yes--the heavens weep for us . . . but only when we choose to willfully suffer spiritually epilepsy instead of turning to the Great Physician to be healed. Our Heavenly parents are not helpless to help us; but in respect of our agency, they will not intercede unless we ask for help.  (You should hear the pitter-patter of feet that come to Addie, on the rare occasions when she cries out. The entire family races to her bedside, hovering, “Is she okay? What does she need?”) How anxious, how ready, how willing our watchful Parents await to bring us healing.

My sweet Addie’s battle with physical epilepsy stands in stark parallel to our very real battle with
spiritual epilepsy. Her lost potential bears a tragic witness to our own lost potential if we fail to
call out to God in repentance.  Her incurable seizures serve as an incessant and contrasting
reminder of our curable ones. Let not her suffering be for naught. Let her help you and I
remember that we, with Christ, are never permanently disabled.